I wish i didn't choose to re-take my O'Level Emath. I wish i could turn back time and go back to year 2010. I would have put in all my time and effort into my Emath instead of subjects which i'm strong in. Looking back now i really regret it. I did well for all my other subjects but just because of one subject, i was denied the chance of pursuing my education in Poly. ITE is not that bad. Hospitality operations - Something that i've always wanted to do. Despite all the problems i've faced in the past 6 months or so, i still am going strong and i am determined to finish my Higher nitec course and graduate with a good GPA. I promised myself that the second time around i'd work hard and work towards at least a pass but i seem to have disappointed myself and the people around me, again. I could have just broke down after the paper ended but what's the point when the paper has been collected and everything is over..? It's not as though i've no future if i fail my Emath. I know i can do it. I know i can make it through ITE. But i'm just mad with myself for disappointing the people around me again especially baby. Just last night he was encouraging me and his message was the first thing i saw in the morning and that kept me going through my Econs paper in the morning. I made it. Econs is something i've not done in my life but i managed to get through. The paper was manageable. Not as easy as biz studies but i did fine i know. But Emath..? I've been doing it for over 10 years but yet .. i can't do shit about it still.
Baby called me earlier on. He was disappointed, i know. More than me. But baby i tried, i really tried. What more can i say? Paper 2 tmr and i'm rather demotivated after screwing up paper 1. Paper 2 has always been my weakness where Emath is considered then how do i ace it? I know i've to put today's paper behind me and move on but i've to probably score for my paper 2 which .. seems like an impossible task to me. I don't know. I just don't have the confidence in myself at all. Fuck this shit. I tried, i know. Sigh, i don't know what called for this sudden post but i just feel so .. fed-up with myself. Why can't i get through this despite all the efforts i've put in? Sigh i don't know. Don't even feel like turning up for tmr's paper. "Rina, stop screwing up."
The clock shows 7:48 pm. Nothing is helping. I can't get myself to start on any work now. I'm so drained. To add on i've missed quite a lot of my ITE lessons. Sigh fuck this, fuck everything. I hate this. The same cycle. Why can't i just do Emath?! I feel so dumb, so stupid. Like fuck everything. I just wanna runaway now. N-o-w. Sigh, lemme get back to my revision now, xx.