I can't remember the last time i did a proper post. It's like everything is happening too fast that i hardly have the time to pen down my thoughts and everything on a regular basis. On the other hand, i feel like i wanna keep a diary, you know the old school kinda diary but i'm not a person who can keep up to the whole diary shit for long. After some time i'm gonna probably dump my diary and get back to blogger despite being aware of the internet being a real scary place.
I don't know what's going on in my life anymore. I'm an emotional wreck right now. I can't decide on what i want anymore. I've been considering whether i really should be in a relationship at this point of time. I don't know why but i don't feel like things're the same now. I don't know whether you mean your i love you(s) and whatnots.. i'm getting really insecure. It's not for one night or two nights that i feel this way. It's almost every single night. A lot has happened over the 2 nights that got me so scared as to whether this is even gonna last. I mean, how long does the whole "honeymoon" period even last? 1 month? 2 months? And that's about it, right? All the i love you(s), you're the best and whatnots just turns into daily fights if not small little arguments here and there. You've got so many other girls around you who are prettier and better than me in every single way then why choose me? I'm sorry but i've always had this low self-esteem issue.
I feel like i'm not made for this whole long term relationship or maybe i am but not now, at this point of time in life. I don't know. I keep questioning myself as to whether i really love you or is it just for the sake of accepting you.. i don't know. Why do i even choose to avoid your calls every now and then? I just don't wanna get way too attached to you and then end up losing you.
I'm such a mess, why'd you wanna love me so much? We're both well aware that our conversations these days are not like what they used to be back then when we were friends. And the promises you guys make...sigh. We, girls, don't expect you to make such promises but since you guys willingly do it then why not keep to it? You promised to meet me every bloody weekend but what has happened now? We've not met for almost a month now and though you've promised to meet me this weekend, i'm pretty sure or at least 99.9% sure that you would end up drinking w your family members because to you everyone else is important on a weekend but NOT me. Stop saying you miss me when you don't even bother making the efforts to meet me. I just got out from one bad relationship or a bad break up and i don't need another one to make me feel 10 times more miserable.
I really don't know whether i'm really happy w you or i'm just pretending to be happy because i've forgotten how it feels like to be happy. That friday and Saturday night... do you even know how much i went through and you were not even by my side? Do you know how much i wanted to meet you on Friday night but the only one i had by my side was Candy? Sigh, i understand your situation but all i ask for is meet me every weekend, is that too much to ask for as a girlf? Or maybe, at least on Sundays before you book in? Is it really that difficult? You see, this is why i never get myself into relationships w guys who are in NS.
I don't know where this is gonna lead me to but all i know is i don't wanna suffer another heartbreak which is why i avoid your calls every now and then... i'd rather get used to your absence now than wait till a few months when i get too attached to you. I'm sorry that i'm so insecure.
I wanna call you up now but like i mentioned or like i assumed, everyone else is important but not me. Though you claim that i'm important and that you love me oh-so-much but please, tell me how long is this gonna last? I don't know. Lord Father, make all these pain worth it. Sigh, time will tell.
I thought of just doing up a normal post after quite some time but there was just quite a number of things weighing on my mind. Now that i've blogged it all out i'm hoping to feel better tonight. I need a break from all these thoughts that take over my mind at night. It gets rather scary. All and everything shall be well, xoxo.