11 freaking am in the morning and i can't seem to shut my eyes and get to sleep. I've not slept for the whole night and my whole head seems to spinning. I've been facing serious sleeping issues and if this continues any further, i swear i'll go mad because it sucks to stay up the whole night just watching movies and more movies. I wouldn't mind if i'm staying out but without any plans, i feel so...argh. I wanna sleep so badly right now but i've an interview at 3pm and if i sleep now i don't think i'll wake up till evening and it sucks because i've a long day ahead and my sleep is pretty precious. Bugis later after interview to get my shoes for a trial day at work tmrw and then to Hougang for church because it's been about a week since i last headed to the church and i very badly need some peace of mind. All i can say right now is my life is pretty screwed.
I'm gonna blog it all out here because i can't keep it in me any longer. I don't know why the hell am i in this relationship when my whole life is a mess. I can't seem to straighten out my thoughts regarding this relationship and it pretty much sucks being stuck between two guys. I'm lost, i'm confused. I wanna talk to Dinesh about this but i can't because he's been the one i've been loving from the beginning and i can never bring myself to confess to him about this because i'm scared. I'm scared of his response, i'm scared to face rejection. A big sigh. I'm starting to feel that i'm not happy in this relationship because the boy seems SO busy these days to even drop me a single message and then he claims i'm the busy one when i'm not. What happened to all those efforts you put in before winning me over? Is that all? WHY CAN'T YOU GUYS REMAIN THE SAME LIKE YOU WERE BEFORE YOU WENT INTO A RELATIONSHIP WITH THE GIRL? Is it so hard to keep up with your efforts? I'm tired, i'm sick and tired of trying and trying. I simply don't wanna pick up the phone and dial your number because i'm afraid i'll pick up a fight. I've no more energy in me to argue over this. I'm tired, you fuckin' geddit? AND I SERIOUSLY DON'T NEED PEOPLE TO TELL ME HOW FUCKING SWEET THEIR BOYFRIEND IS BECAUSE I SERIOUSLY DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU OR YOUR BOYFRIEND. It's just fucking annoying having someone go on and on about how sweet their boyfriend is.
And then the other guy..it's kinda driving me mad like finally. I don't know why i've to always be stuck between two guys. He's all sweet and shit but i don't know where this is taking me. I don't know why i feel so happy whenever i'm with him. I don't know why we always can't bear to leave each other. I don't know why i was so worried about him a night ago when i met him and he was pretty drunk. What on Earth does this fucking mean? I don't know why i feel so secured when i'm with him. I feel how i felt like when i was with Suren. Oh Lord, where is this taking me?
I wish i could book a ticket to Australia right now and fly away. I'm in need of a getaway so fucking badly. This is enough to drive me mad. I'm so glad i've two bffs and my closed ones who are the ones keeping me sane. I know i joke around a lot, laugh like nothing is bothering me and shit but deep inside, i've just so much bottled up that it's all getting a tad too much for me to take and if i keep it inside me any longer, i'd probably just end up losing it all one day. Just because a person laughs/jokes a lot doesn't mean that he/she is happy.
Sometimes at night it gets so bad that i feel like death is the only solution out. I know i shouldn't be having such thoughts especially when i'm blessed with an understanding family and friends but sometimes i just can't help it. There's a limit to how much a person can take and i think everything has gone way, way beyond the limit and everything that is happening now or happens in the future is totally outta my control. I'm not saying i wanna end this relationship or whatever nonsense but i could seriously do with a good heart-to-heart talk with the boy to clear my mind. At the end of the day, my only wish is to confide in the guy who calls me his girlfriend but sometimes, i don't feel like i'm your girlfriend. I feel so neglected, especially these days. It's getting tough to maintain this relationship especially when we both work at night and we don't have time to talk to each other.
I don't know. I just wish i could have a relationship like some out there who keep it going for years and years despite all the obstacles. I'm gettin' tired chasing after someone who seems to keep running and running at a really fast pace. Slow down, boy. I don't know, i need to straighten out my thoughts and not let my imagination run wild. I'm not gonna promise you anything but just promise me that no matter what, you wouldn't walk away because i took the risk to fall again and i don't wanna end up getting hurt again because the second time around, it's gonna be way more painful and harder for me to get up. I'm still trying to pick myself up and i don't wanna fall as fast as i pick myself up xx